Long, Long Distance Call
It's the next day, Saturday, and Max gets a very unexpected phone
Max: Yeah. Hello.
God: Good morning, Max.
God: That wasn't very nice, what
you did to Brenda yesterday, now was it?
Max: I'm sorry. What? Um, who is
God: You know, after you hung up
on her yesterday, the poor girl couldn't stop crying. She spent
the rest of the evening watching sappy, romantic films and drinking
wine. The poor thing just past out when she couldn't take it any
more…She'll have a dreadful hangover today.
Max: That's too bad, but hey I
was honest. I'm just…
God: "A mover and a shaker."
I know, Max. You use that excuse a lot. Don't you think it's time
you admitted to yourself that that's just a clever euphemism for
Max: Is this one of Brenda's friends?
God: No, Max.
Max: Then who in the hell are you?
One of my exes?
God: No, Max. This is God speaking.
Max: What?! What kind of bullshit
prank is this?
God: When you were 13 you stole
some food from the kitchen at your summer camp. After the counsellors
discovered it was gone, you blamed one of the kitchen staff members
to avoid suspicion, and he was fired as a result…You never told
Max: How? How do you…
God: Do I need to remind you about
the time your neighbour caught you spanking the monkey, shall we
say, in order to -
Max: No! Please don't. What do
God: I'm going to help you, Max.
Max: That's not necessary. I'm
God: Sorry, Max, my mind's made
up. I'm afraid you have little choice in this.
Max: Then I'll run away. I'll go
places where you can't find me. I'll -
God: Oh, please, Max. I'm everywhere,
at once, all the time. Where are you going to go, hmm? I'll see
you around. Ta.